Sleep-Deprived Tuesday
In which Citizen Jim arrives ready to rumble after Chicken Sheets has passed a sleepless night and day.

Every Citizen Jim Story (Super-Compressed, Ultra-ADD Version)
In which Citizen Jim arrives, accuses, harasses, pouts, and leaves.

The Royal Immigrant Problem
In which Lord Gorblimey of Crikey Downs (a/k/a Citizen Jim) arrives with the news that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex will soon be arriving to stay with Chicken Sheets. But just until they can get back on their feet.

(Choose your version below)

Uncut VersionADD Version

The F*cking Queen!
In which Citizen Jim arrives late in the story and accuses Chicken Sheets of contemplating rank, unconscionable perfidy.

Night Blondness
In which Citizen Jim comes out of hiding to castigate Chicken Sheets for not sharing an important Hollywood tidbit with him. (If you’re triggered by the phrase “WITCH HUNT,” stop reading.)

The Witchfunder Finder General
In which Citizen Jim arrives on a special mission from the highest office in the land—a mission that leads him to the doorstep of Chicken Sheets.

Junk in My Trunk
In which Citizen Jim extorts Chicken Sheets for the privilege of telling her why he locked himself in the trunk of her car.

Bingo Tuesday Morning Has Broken
In which Citizen Jim arrives where Chicken Sheets works and nearly turns her posse against her in fifteen minutes’ time.

Sock It to Me!
In which Citizen Jim arrives during a counseling session and teaches Chicken Sheets’s therapist a thing or two about…a thing or two.

The Alchemy Ball
In which Citizen Jim arrives in need of a ride and some reassurance from Chicken Sheets, who can offer neither at this time.

Foxy and Phoebe and Taylor and Kate
In which Citizen Jim arrives for a little blood-letting, and can’t believe he has to tell a bed-ridden Chicken Sheets who’s hosting SNL…

Power Down
In which Citizen Jim tries to keep Chicken Sheets from being up the ass of Twitter so she can advise him on a domestic matter.

The Bight Stuff
In which Chicken Sheets gets drunk and goes sailing before having to help Citizen Jim row a stolen boat back to “the mainland.” (BONUS: Night Sailing Playlist included at the end of the story!)

A Run for It
In which Citizen Jim arrives and makes a scene (not to mention a huge mess) at a national pharmacy chain while Chicken Sheets maps out her scheme for finally becoming a best-selling author.

That’s What Friends Are For
In which Citizen Jim arrives to distract Chicken Sheets from the melancholy of midlife and the indignity of menopause.

Killing Jim
In which Citizen Jim arrives on the Gulf Coast to save Chicken Sheets from Hurricane Barry. And to give her a very important message from the BBC.

Work. Pride. Badgers.
In which Citizen Jim arrives in full costume to make sure Chicken Sheets knows it’s Pride Week, and to make sure she’s “still queer.”

Middle Aged Mehs
In which Citizen Jim arrives and tries to convince Chicken Sheets that the best place for her at this stage in life is at the convent near his home.

Cruisin’ for a Musin’
In which Citizen Jim abandons a vacation with his wife to offer Chicken Sheets the gift of inspiration for all her literary endeavors—which she declines, remembering what happened to those poor Trojans in Ancient Greece.

Frownland
In which Citizen Jim arrives to inspire Chicken Sheets with a classic rock album by Captain Beefheart.

A Golden Turd
In which Citizen Jim arrives for one moment but then leaves and does not return for the rest of the story.

Counter-Production
In which Citizen Jim arrives to call into question Chicken Sheets’s true dedication to the craft of writing.

Enfranchisement Day
In which Citizen Jim arrives on July Fourth with firecrackers and stink bombs, only to find Chicken Sheets even less patriotic than she usually is.

Treasure Trove
In which Citizen Jim tries to advise Chicken Sheets regarding her job at a retirement facility.

Bad Turn on Day Two
In which Citizen Jim arrives after Chicken Sheets is vibrating because she has made her coffee too strong.

Man Attacked by Squirrel While Crapping In Yard: HD
In which Citizen Jim arrives expecting a birthday party, but has to settle for (possibly) rabies.

Christmas with the Rat King
As the Worst Year Ever comes to a close, Chicken Sheets finds herself aching in more ways than one and needing a confrontation with Citizen Jim less than ever.

Heartbroken Lunatics
In which Citizen Jim almost breaks his hand complaining about Chicken Sheets’s departure from Twitter and the consequences of not being on Facebook.

Hobo Jim’s Boxcar Betrayal
In which Citizen Jim has a nasty trick played on him by “the guys,” and immediately runs crying to Chicken Sheets.

A Moral and Sexual Outrage!
After she escapes from work with the help of her former nemesis, Chicken Sheets’s plans to celebrate the birthday of British movie starlet Kate Winslet are almost – ALMOST – thwarted by Citizen Jim.

Fuck Off, Ya Fuckers!
Citizen Jim pulls a “David Foster Wallace”-type stunt only to find himself on the run. And not from booksellers.

Columbia Towers
In which Citizen Jim attempts to save Chicken Sheets from a romantic mishap through the most crackpot, meticulous and ridiculous means possible.

Uncollected Classic: Hallowe’en Installment
In which a stranger arrives and Chicken Sheets realizes she knows him. Probably the second-ever Citizen Jim story.

Disagreement Engine: The Intro, Origin Story, and the REAL Intro (by Real Jim)
In case you’ve ever wondered what the hell the Citizen Jim Stories are, why I write them, how they came to be, and what Real Jim thinks of them, just read this.