The Banana Bait-and-Switch

Most people use not-so-fresh bananas for making coffee cake and smoothies, while others choose to smear the slackened innards of an expired banana on their feet, face, and elbows as a dermal restorative. (This use is not documented as far as as I know. I’m not curious enough to look it up or to ask my “know-it-all” cousin Keith, but hey, why not?!)

After a lot of thought and consideration, it suddenly occurred to me that one of the most satisfying uses for rotten bananas would not qualify as a DIY project or as a recipe ingredient or as a so-called “life hack.”

I’m talking, of course, about avenging ill-treatment at the hands of monkeys.

If you’ve ever had a chimpanzee as a friend, you know how two-faced and moody and spiteful they can be. One minute they’re decked out in bibbed overalls and riding around on a tricycle, or tumbling clownishly in white diapers; the next thing you know—BAM!— they’re flinging shit at you.

If you’ve ever dealt with this, here is your chance to give them a taste of their own medicine with what I call “The Banana Bait-and-Switch.”

WHAT YOU’LL NEED

  • Fine china
  • Expensive wine bottles (empty ones will be fine)
  • Friend with a butler uniform
  • Silver room service tray and lid
  • Rotten banana (still in heavily speckled or, better yet, blackened skin)
  • A camera

THE PROCESS

  1. Invite your monkey friend over for dinner.
  2. Insist that it’s a formal affair and that the monkey should dress appropriately.
  3. Make the table beautiful. Set out your best dishes and display your finest wines.
  4. Hire a friend to wear a butler costume to answer the door and to serve the “meal.” (I put quotation marks around the word meal because this is the true switch-part of The Banana Bait-and-Switch.)
  5. At the monkey’s place setting should be a platter covered with a shiny silver room service tray lid.
  6. When the lid is lifted, instead of a delicious meal there will be – you probably already guessed it! – one rotten banana, its skin black and leathery, the stem stiff with fruit-variety rigor mortis.
  7. Take a photo of the monkey’s face when he sees the rotten banana instead of the delicious meal.

Don’t worry. The monkey will “get it.” And never fear: he won’t be flinging a handful of his feces at you any time soon!