A while back I wrote a post which mentioned a conversation I had with a friend of mine regarding “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir,” specifically: whether or not Mrs. Muir and the ghost might have ever had sex.
I can assure you it was not the high point of our instant messaging, which is sad to say about a friendship based solely on instant messaging.
Which is also sad.
But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.
While scrolling through my feed on Facebook, I saw this headline:
Among other things, this article tells the “coming out” stories of several ghost-banging women. One of them, we learn, is named Realm.
I mean. Okay. Yeah. I can totally see a woman with a name like Realm having sex with phantoms. And it was, apparently, awesome:
After that, Realm began to have regular sex with a variety of ghosts, each as distinct in style and feel than any human mate might be. “I’ve got no interest in men now,” she proclaimed.
Of course that made me think of “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir,” as well as the conversation my friend and I had had about it, and then about my blog post.
It also made me think about all the recent novels involving interspecies sex of the oceanic variety, as well as that movie about the woman having sex with a male sea creature.
In a world not populated by folks who are, allegedly, really fascinated by fish-fuckers and ghost lovers, “I’ve got no interest in men, now,” might be the most wonderful thing a person like me could ever hope to hear.
Yet, the more I think about it, the more awful I feel as a gay woman. And I think this is the fault of the media, who want everyone to think that women are so sick of men that they would rather fuck sea monsters and ghosts than human males.
Now. I ask you: why are these women going from men directly to water creatures and spirits without even trying out having sex with other human women? Believe me, it’s not just a ghost who could make a woman say, “It was very strange, but the sex was amazing!”
The truth is, I think straight women are flipping for other women, too, not just lagoon creatures and sexy apparitions. However, the media refuses to shine any light on this. And in this small, inconsequential way, that really does make the media the enemy of at least five percent of the people.
But seriously: don’t you think it’s a little – I don’t want to say it but – fishy?
Of course, trying to hook up with ghosts comes with the same risks as hooking up with guys–or not wanting to hook up with guys–but on the astral plane, it’s easier for No to mean No:
If one is experiencing harmful or unwanted sexual advances from ghosts, the solution is encouragingly simple. “The living have more power psychically than the dead would ever have,” Auerbach says. In order to deflect such unwanted advances, one need only visualize a force field surrounding them to energetically deflect the predatory phantom.
So I guess that’s good, right?
Well, until I think about all the straight women in the early and mid-90s whose force fields went up to deflect me when I was only saying “Hello” to them.
Then I think:
Let them linger in the chambers of the sea;
then there will be
more tacos for me.
Look, man, don’t be mad: my daily post was either going to be about women fucking ghosts or the nanny from Alabama that Harry and Meghan have apparently already hired even though their baby hasn’t been born yet.
(My prediction: it will be a girl, and her name will contain some component of Meghan Markle’s mother’s name, “Frances” (Princess Diana’s middle name) and maybe also “Mary” [after Lady Crawley on “Downton Abbey”].)