Bumbling Towards Ecstasy

So. Sunday wedding announcements in the TimesBlah blah blah.

[Caitlin and James] met almost a year ago on the dating app Bumble.

[Carolyn and Brian], who met on the dating app Bumble, were married at Playa Largo Resort in Key Largo, Fla.

Obviously, today’s offerings were strange only in that two of the newly married couples each met on a dating app called Bumble.

Really?! I got a little excited!

A dating app for bumblers, maybe people who have ever tried to talk about books over the thumping bass of “Show Me Love” by Robin S. inside a nightclub? (Guilty.)

A dating app for people who love bees (no), or – wait! – who are allergic to bees (yes)?

Hold on. Ugh! A dating app for men whose encounters with women are bumbling, perhaps even so awkward and embarrassing that they could lead to anger, stalking, maybe even death for the maiden? (Sad, scary.)

All these thoughts flew through my mind – as well as images of dogs in bee costumes: one of the funniest things ever – before I decided to google it. The website for the app looked generic enough, with an unsurprising beehive-inside-a-hexagon logo and the obligatory yellow and black color scheme.

Then I read about it on Business Insider, the place where every bumbling single person should go to find out about dating apps, and discovered that this was a dating app that every single heterosexual woman I know probably needs to look into:

What makes Bumble different from other dating apps like Tinder and OKCupid…is its focus on giving women all the power. Men using Bumble can swipe through the app and to find matches, but they can’t initiate conversations.

Very good! Bees have a queen who all the drones serve and protect, while relying on the queen for their lives to continue. This is a great leap forward in the never-ending struggle to wrest power from the patriarchy. Way to go!

Also: once I pondered how little the construct of this app could help me in my own homosexual-based romantic endeavors, I lost interest in it.

Goodbye!